Q 1. Do you prefer writing with black or blue pen?

— No, a wordprocessor

Q 2. Would you prefer to live in the country or the city?

— Does this answer your question?

Q 3. If you could learn a new skill, what would it be?

— How to make a bowel disruptor

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Q 4. Do you drink your tea or coffee with sugar?

— No (I'm sweet enough as it is)

Q 5. What was your favourite book as a child?

— I don't do favourites (I like too many things to have a favourite)

Q 6. Do you prefer baths or showers?

— Depends how tall she is

Q 7. If you could be a mythical creature, which would you choose?

— I like the idea of being a crapweasel , but their life expectancy isn't great, so I'd have to be the Dragon Of Unhappiness instead

Q 8. Do you prefer reading paper or electronic books?

— Books

Q 9. What is your favourite item of clothing?

— see Q5, but (unless there's a very good reason not to) I don't leave home without my steel toecapped boots, if that counts

Q 10. Do you like your name? Would you ever change it?

— It's okay, but I don't use it.

Q 11. Who is a mentor to you?

— I don't do hero worship ... and neither should you

Q 12. Would you ever want to be famous? If so, what for?

— I already am (although 'infamous' might be more accurate)

Q 13. Are you a restless sleeper?

— I wouldn't know (what with being asleep and all).

Q 14. Do you consider yourself a romantic?

— Not any more.

Q 15. Which element best represents you?

— Neon

Q 16. Who do you want to be closer to?

— Angelina Jolie (MUCH closer)

Q 17. Do you miss someone at the moment?

— My imaginary friend

Q 18. Tell us about an early childhood memory.

— Shouting across the supermarket "Mu...u...um ... I need a shit!" But I’ve done worse since then.

Q 19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten?

– An awful lot of things made with whatever was left in the cupboard.

Q 20. What can you see outside your bedroom window?

— The little shits making all the noise

Q 21. What are you most thankful for?

— That I'm not you

Q 22. Do you like spicy food?

— Like Red Dwarf’s Dave Lister, most days

Q 23. Have you ever met someone famous?

— Yes ... a few .. but the most fun was telling the stuck up one that I wouldn't know who he were if I hadn't been told and, now that I did, didn't give a rat's either.

Q 24. Do you keep a diary or journal?

— Are you referring to 'Exhibit A'? No — for that very reason.

Q 25. Do you prefer to use pen or pencil?

— For what purpose? I wouldn't scratch my head with a pen, because it'd leave ink on my scalp but, on the other hand, it's much better for drawing genitals on sleeping people's foreheads, so it's swings and roundabouts really.

Q 26. What is your star sign?

Herpes, I think

Q 27. Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy?

— Depends ... how long is a piece of string?

Q 28. What would you want your legacy to be?

— for an entire nursing college to turn up at my funeral

Q 29. Do you like reading? What was the last thing you read/are reading?

— That depends upon what I'm reading (right now The Ten Thousand Doors of January)

Q 30. How do you show someone you love them?

— Intimately

Q 31. Do you like ice in your drinks?

— That depends — not if it's bullet shaped

Q 32. What are you afraid of?

— Clowns … as should you be

Q 33. What is your favourite scent?

— A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell

Q 34. Do you address older people by their first or last name?

— “Oi! Grandad!”

Q 35. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life?

— The way I do now, just with fewer money worries

Q 36. Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean?

— Only people who've never seen Jaws swim in the ocean.

Q 37. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground?

— Wonder where in Hell I'd got fifty quid from and why I hadn't spent it already instead of letting it fall out of my pocket

Q 38. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish?

— John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Evan Rachel Wood, countless others (I've seen a lot of films)

Q 39. What is one thing you would want to teach your children?

— That the dark should be afraid of them, but I'd teach them about the crapweasel and the dragon of unhappiness too.

Q 40. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it?

— That's a secret

Q 41. What can you hear right now?

The sounds of the fans in the NAS and my laptop, the clack of the keyboard, breaking glass, car alarms, police/ambulance/fire-engine sirens, the screams of muggers’ victims, the car horn, car crashes, tearing metal and falling masonry ... the sounds of everyday life

Q 42. Where do you feel the safest?

— wherever nobody would think to look for me

Q 43. What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer?

— ̶Y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶m̶u̶m The World

Q 44. If you could travel back to any era, which would you choose?

— The day Rupert Murdoch's parents met (and put a stop to it)

Q 45. What is your most used emoji?

— 😜

Q 46. What is your favourite season? Why?

— Summer. Because duh!

47. How would you spend your ideal day?

— Partying hard (so, the same as every day, really)

Q 48. Describe yourself using one word.

— Like Red Dwarf's Holly, basically, I'm fantastic — just ask E. Scott Alighieri

Q 49. What do you regret the most?

— When I was a kid, I was told that, thanks to women's liberation, there was nothing a woman needed a man for. "Fantastic," I thought "When I grow up, I'm gonna be a sex toy!"

Sadly, I'm still waiting

Q 50. Invent your own word. What does it mean?

— Furzle! (utt., excl.) — your response to the lack-wit with a death wish, who awoke you from a deep slumber by asking you a question loudly enough to awaken a person from a perfectly good and much needed sleep