Where Angels Fear
8 min readNov 5, 2016


No Laughing Matter

Clowns might use washing machines as interdimensional nexus points to travel the Multiverse … creeping around your home, when you’re asleep — which would explain where all the socks go … and where the ones you never bought come from.

It’s a serious issue: where do the socks go and … more importantly … where do the ones you didn’t buy come from?

Clowns are big and clumsy … and wear big, baggy clothing … so they wouldn’t notice the odd sock (or pair of panties/briefs) clinging to their clothing, by static electricity, as they clamber in and out of your washing machine, would they?

The clown/washing-machine theory has been around for ages albeit there is little conclusive proof.

Is it worth the risk though?

You don’t want clowns creeping around your home when you’re asleep — who knows what they might get up to!?!

Protect your loved ones: keep them out — shut the washing machine door!

Some researchers suggest leaving a little bleach in the detergent compartment …. just in case they reach through it to open the door from the outside. Be warned, however, there are reportedly studies that show clowns are becoming immune to bleach — it might, therefore, be a good idea to booby-trap the washing machine with SemTex/C4.

Why are clowns climbing in and out of the washing machine?

Why they do it is, itself, a mystery and it can only be hoped that it has something to do with the disappearance of the teaspoons — seriously … where do all the teaspoons go?

Why clowns might steal teaspoons I couldn’t say … but it’s decidedly more comforting a prospect than “I have absolutely no idea what clowns do when they creep into my home at night or why they do it.”

Isn’t it?

There’s a certain solidity to it … a prosaic, even banal, comfort that … whilst clowns may be creeping around your home, stealing your teaspoons as you sleep … they aren’t doing anything even more worrying.

And it’s not as if spoons aren’t mightily significant, is it?

Hmmmm … now I come to think about it, they might also be responsible for all the copies of The Mists Of Avalon by Marion Zimmer-Bradley.

Sooner or later, you’ll find a copy in every household, even though …

1. no-one there bought it.

2. no-one there has read it.

3. no-one there knows where it came from.

But it’s there alright … lurking on the bookshelf.

I have noted the phenomenon in a number of countries and a number of languages, so it seems as universal as the disappearance of socks in washing machines.

That’s a disconcerting thought actually; why would clowns be leaving copies of that book in people’s homes? It’s not simply explained away like the socks and underwear — it has to be a deliberate act.

What are they up to? What’s their end game?

Is it some sort of balancing of energies … in keeping with the laws of Thermodynamics? Is it to stop the Multiverse exploding/imploding due to the concentration of teaspoons in one … or a number of strategically significant … location(s)?

Or are they reconfiguring the teaspoon-book balance to some other purpose?

In any event …

1. Why teaspoons?

2. Why that book?

3. What are they up to!?!

I really wish I hadn’t thought of that now.

Now the disappearance of the teaspoons is no longer a comfort in the dark of night and we shall all sleep less easily for it.


They mess with the clocks too … possibly even steal time!

[Further Reading]

Clowns are just one step above circus animals. Some would say they’re one step below. That the lowest circus animal is higher than the highest clown. They’d say clowns live in unimaginable filth and practise rituals of a perverse nature I wouldn’t stoop to describe in front of a woman, let alone a lady. If you’d been a circus performer and suggested such a thing, I would be obliged to kill you on the spot. It would be demanded to preserve the honour of high wire walkers everywhere. But you are unaware of the laws of the circus, so I can forgive you.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was so strict.”

That’s all right, we circus performers learn to live with the ways of ordinary folk, we have to. As I was saying, in the heat of the moment, I had vowed never to step into the ring again. And once a circus performer has made a vow, the vow can never be broken. Unless he’s a clown, of course. Clowns are a law unto themselves, and if ever a clown makes a vow he would consider it his duty to break it.”

“I never realised circus life was so complicated, and that clowns were, were, so very evil.”

Clowns have been making fools of us for years,” Miguel sighs.

I’ve seen cultures orient themselves around numerous things — making religions out of them. But…they were survival things with laws concerning food, sex, social organization. But a Circus? […] Why? Why did you do it? A circus, of all things. Why? […] It’s A Disease.” — Barry B. Longyear, City Of Baraboo

To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kinda scary. I’ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.” — Jack Handey

Imagine your goal for the week. Concentrate on it. See yourself achieving this goal. Imagine the look on your face as you make this moment happen: the joy, the relief, the contentment. Imagine the look in your eyes as the clowns start filling the room. Hundreds and hundreds of clowns. Imagine the beads of sweat rolling down your face as the clowns surround you, pin you down, begin to paint you with glue and sequins. Imagine the darkness as they put you in the bag. Just imagine. Imagine. IMAGINE.” — Dr Despair

“Note how nothing points towards Snarky the Clown, who will climb out of the frame after midnight and slaughter the entire family.”

“Why are clowns so scary? Because some of them steal children. And they’re the good ones.” — Jetta Rae

See a clown, fear a clown!” — Sam Ursu

Balloons contain thoughts. Exclamations. Hopes and dreams. Each balloon, each balloon filled by a clown, is filled with thoughts, exclamations, hopes, and dreams. Every balloon a repository of such. Filled by a clown.
From where? From where?
” — David Raffin

They are sucked from the souls of abducted children” — Where Angels Fear

“Children, the voice said. We hate ’em. Foul things. They laugh at what they doesn’t understand. They laugh at things they should be afraid of. Oh, but we know. We know what the circus hides. We know what all circuses hide. Foul children. We make them laugh, but when we can . . .

We take ‘em!”

— John Connolly, Some Children Wander By Mistake

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang — The child catcher

In fact, my laughing used to bother my neighbor Agnes. She’d pound on the wall and threaten to call the cops. One night I surprised her with a balloon necklace that I made just for her! She hasn’t complained since.

I love being a clown!” — Brian Sack

“I’ve run over a clown. Now what?

Nothing.” — Brian Sack

The League of Gentlemen Christmas Special — Papa Lazarou’s return
Is it a clown, or isn’t it? … It could just be an odd sort of Pierrot or aspiring Harlequin, but it’s probably best to blow it away anyway, just in case — better safe than sorry [¹].

¹ Sooner or later, all clowns go bad



Where Angels Fear

There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live and too rare to die.