Wonko The Sane: Prophet Or Reactionary?

Many years ago now, there was a marketing gimmick by … I think it was Grolsch but, whoever did it first, everyone else quickly jumped on the bandwagon … of a ‘label’ on beer cans that was invisible unless the beer were at its optimal temperature for drinking, whereupon it would become visible (it was a shade of blue, if I recall correctly).

At the time, I said to people “Look, if you can’t tell if your beer is cold enough, just by picking the can up … you don’t drink enough!

There’s an episode of The Simpsons, in which it is explained to Homer that a thermos flask keeps hot things hot and cold things cold … to which he replies, in almost terrified awe, “How does it know!?

I think it’s probably fair to say that those of you who’ve stuck it out with me since the beginning of my time here on Medium will be aware that I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with the human race … that you are all, to put it mildly, more than something of a disappointment and I, not all too infrequently, have trouble holding you in any, let alone high, regard — yes, I exaggerate for comic effect but, paradoxically, you do oblige me to actually mean it at the same time.

Nevertheless, you’ve surpassed yourselves, people.

It’s not that I didn’t think it possible … it was, after all, inevitable that you were going to disappoint again alarmingly soon …

But this time you really have contrived to fail to live up to even my low expectations of you …

If you’ve played South Park: The Stick of Truth, you’ll be aware that you can beat your companions with various weapons and they respond with various measures of disquiet as a result.

Hit Butters often enough and he’ll exclaim “Jesus Christ!

A battery powered, Bluetooth enabled cup with an app to set the temperature of your drink and receive notifications on your phone when the desired temperature is reached?

And … unlike the plain old thermos flask … for what amounts to a week’s salary for someone on minimum wage, it can’t even keep things cold as well, only hot?

Just imagine I’m Butters.


He wasn’t that sensible, was he?

It’s not me who needs to get off.

There … I’ve Fixed It For Him

The human race.

Too fat to run.

Too stupid to hide.

There’s another Simpsons episode, in which the staff go on strike and Lisa sidles up to her class teacher, trying to elicit some education. Her teacher looks at her and says “Get away from me!”




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Where Angels Fear

There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live and too rare to die.