What did I Tell You?
Did I not tell you?
I did … I told you normal service would be resumed *sigh*
So, my sister came to visit for the weekend.
I could go into detail about how I’m pretty sure she broke the washing machine but that, typically, there was little point in confronting her about it … because, when I did so, there was the usual irate denial that the … previously undiscovered … swimming pool in the middle of the kitchen could possibly have anything to do with her washing the dog in the machine — or whatever it was she did do … I don’t have a dog, but you get my point ¹.
But there’s no point crying over spilled milk ² and that’s not actually what I’m upset about.
No … what I’m upset about is this …
Years ago, I saw an image ³ … by a man, obviously … which was a colour chart of the kind you look at when purchasing paint — it was full of colours like avocado, tangerine, soft peach … you get the idea.
He was making the point that men and women have no hope of understanding each other so long as women think that fruit are colours ⁴.
Well, I don’t know if today’s experience is another one of those communication issues that arise from the fact that women are … as a species … batshit crazy ⁵, or not, but …
Seemingly, whilst I was otherwise occupied ⁶, she used up all ⁷ the washing powder.
She, naturally, neglected to inform me of this turn of events in similar manner to that in which she did not inform me that she had broken the washing machine by cleaning the carpet in it.
So, when I just went out to the kitchen to put a wash on, I found not washing powder but two … different … bottles of liquid of some kind that were labelled, respectively, Strands of Fairy Gossamer on the Winds of Your Imagination and Unicorn Farts Over the Rainbow of Your Childhood Dreams — or whatever.
Neither of them, however, indicated that is was the fabric conditioner.
That’s right … I‘m wise to that shit: I’ve been around the block a few times … had a number of partners … have a sister …. know about fabric conditioner — I even know what colour ‘avocado’ is supposed to be ⁸.
So, one of them has to be the fabric conditioner and one of them the detergent.
Because no-one in their right mind would buy two different flavours of detergent and no fabric conditioner — and only a woman would purchase fabric conditioner in the first place ¹⁰.
So, one of them has to be fabric conditioner.
But you tell me which of Waterlily and Lime and Golden fucking Dream it is!
I’d guess it were the Waterlily and Lime, because the bottle of Golden Dream says ‘detergent’ on it … but there’s no indication that they aren’t both detergent, so, it’s only a guess — for all I know, the Waterlily and Lime is dog-and-carpet shampoo.
I can only imagine that this is one of those female things that girls are taught at an early age by their mothers … the information jealously guarded because, if men were ever to break the code, then their inability to do the laundry properly could not be dragged out and wielded against them every time the woman were in danger of losing the completely unnecessary argument about the size of her sister’s butt — that the man really didn’t notice because he was genuinely far more interested in the television she happened to be standing next to at the time.
The Golden Shower … or whatever it’s called … smells disgusting by the way.
I may have to rewash it all in Waterlily and Lime ¹¹.
*sigh*
[EDIT]
You know that smell … the one that smells like hospital floors taste …
Well …
Waterlily and Lime smells like hospital floors that were due to have been washed a fortnight ago but weren’t because the contractor can’t employ enough staff and send the CEO on a six month cruise to the Bahamas as well as provide them with a $500,000 annual bonus, so economies have to be made somewhere.
*si … iii … igh*
—
¹ Namely “What the fuck did you do, woman!?”
² Or even an Olympic sized swimming bath’s worth of water flooding my home.
³ What would now be called a ‘meme’ by the ignorant, uneducated masses who have no idea that the only thing memetic about so called Internet ‘memes’ is the idea that they are memes.
⁴ They are not — they are fruit.
⁵ Completely dagenham, in fact — http://www.rogerdarlington.me.uk/nighthawk/?p=1489
⁶ Killing people, saving the known Universe, entertaining you undeserving heathen ingrates, going quietly out of my mind … the usual.
⁷ Seriously? … All? … WtF!?
⁸ Olive oil ‘green’ ⁹.
⁹ That’s yellow, if you’re a man.
¹⁰ If you don’t like the smell of the detergent … buy a different one, ffs!
¹¹ Waterlily and Lime … what even is that — is it a flavour or not?
