Vote For Me
Now, you may recall that, not so long ago, I accidentally did kinda sort of a bad thing …
Well, it kinda sorta happened again and I ended up reading something by Roy that I really shouldn’t have …
But, once again, there is an up side to this ... unfortunateness … is that a word? I’m not sure. No matter ... it will be, once I am in charge of things — so learn it now … before the punishment beatings begin.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Where was I?
Oh, yes, it made me think about some things …
“There were plotters, there was no doubt about it. Some had been ordinary people who'd had enough. Some were young people with no money who objected to the fact that the world was run by old people who were rich. Some were in it to get girls. And some had been idiots as mad as Swing, with a view of the world just as rigid and unreal, who were on the side of what they called 'the people'. Vimes had spent his life on the streets, and had met decent men and fools and people who'd steal a penny from a blind beggar and people who performed silent miracles or desperate crimes every day behind the grubby windows of little houses, but he'd never met The People.
People on the side of The People always ended up disappointed, in any case. They found that The People tended not to be grateful or appreciative or forward-thinking or obedient. The People tended to be small-minded and conservative and not very clever and were even distrustful of cleverness. And so the children of the revolution were faced with the age-old problem: it wasn't that you had the wrong kind of government, which was obvious, but that you had the wrong kind of people.
As soon as you saw people as things to be measured, they didn't measure up. What would run through the streets soon enough wouldn't be a revolution or a riot. It'd be people who were frightened and panicking. It was what happened when the machinery of city life faltered, the wheels stopped turning and all the little rules broke down. And when that happened, humans were worse than sheep. Sheep just ran; they didn't try to bite the sheep next to them.”
— Terry Pratchett, Night Watch
If you remove every individual from a group, what are you left with?
Precisely.
The problem is reification: the moment we lose sight of the fact that ... irrespective of the form it takes or the label we assign it (group, mob, business, company, government, nation, Society, whatever) ... a body of people is made up of individuals, we lose all perspective — the people responsible for the actions that harm us never pay for those actions; either they've long since taken their bonuses and moved on to wreak havoc elsewhere ... or a ridiculously long investigation leaves them time to present a subordinate scapegoat ... or “nobody is to blame, it was a culture of <something>, lessons will be learned, blah, blah, blah” ... but nobody ever pays for their crimes.
The only way a group may be said to exist sui generis ... as something that has an existence of its own, in and of itelf ... is if the individual components/elements of it do not posses that quality in and of themselves but merely contribute to its emergence in some way.
The fact that individuals cede their choices to the group does not make it an intransitive act — they do it actively, willingly, consciously, themselves ... the group does not do it for them.
So, if we suggest that, in some way, the group is dominant and supersedes the individual decision-making capacity ... the individual behaviours ... of its members then the only way that can come about is if there is some kind of hive mind in control of them as individuals.
If that is not the case then the only thing left is the observation that a group consists of individuals who choose to make a decision and act in unison as individuals.
The singular purpose of government is the defence of the innocent from the predations of the unscrupulous: the singular irony thereof that both consider it surplus to their requirements.
But, the problem with Democracy … indeed with Socialism, Communism or any other of the myriad alternatives to dictatorship that have been (or might be) tried … is that it’s all well and good in theory, but … after you’ve been to work all day, made dinner, cleaned up, put the washing on, helped the kids with their homework, put them to bed, got ready for work tomorrow, etc. … you really don’t have the time or energy to go down to the civic centre and discuss the latest trends in progressive pedagogy, the national trade deficit or the geopolitcal climate in the Middle East, let alone come to some sort of mutually acceptable decision on what to do about any of them.
Nor do you have the time or energy to log on to the government bulletin board.
But you do, anyway, because you have a bee in your bonnet about something and thirty minutes to spare whilst your partner monopolises the bathroom … and there’s nothing interesting happening on Facebook.
And the flame wars erupt and the trolls get in on the action and it goes nowhere fast.
Meanwhile … whilst you’re busy focusing on that … in the background, four people pass some pretty draconian legislation that nobody else voted against because nobody else was paying attention, but, hey, whaddayaknow … all it takes is one more vote than none, so, now capital punishment is back on the books.
And I managed to add a subclause to it that means walking on the grass is now a capital crime.
Democracy … digital or otherwise … isn’t even mob rule, just an unruly mob …
And the solution to that problem isn’t a simple one … because people aren’t a simple problem.
And then there are those who are just plain nasty pieces of work …
In fact, I may actually have been a bit hasty in my judgement there — it may be worse than I thought …
Colour me 'sweetly innocent' if you like, because, despite qualifying in Psychology ... as a science, no less, not a wishy washy, hippy dippy, tree hugging Arts/Humanities subject with fries ... I never managed to see that in people until around ten years ago. I understood the theory but there was a disconnect between the Hannibal Lecters, Gordon Geckos, Margaret Thatchers, Gee Dubyahs and the people around me in the real World. I thought education and reason were the answer … that all you had to do was get people to see the impact of their ways and they'd have an epiphany and stop ... because they were fundamentally decent just misguided.
Nope … they won’t — they know and do it anyway.
It’s always been an Anarchy and I see no reason to suspect that will change; it will always come down to people doing whatever they can get away with until someone else notices and puts a stop to it — your neighbours … that country on the other side of the World … the planet in another galaxy … all they have to be is bigger, stronger, meaner and/or have more ‘friends’ … or better lawyers … than you and, as ever, might will make right ..
And we've always known this … always known about the unscrupulous … always known about the butcher, the baker and the candle-stick maker.
That's why we have laws covering weights and measures, laws to prevent doctors from dispensing the medicines they prescribe, laws concerning truthfulness in advertising, laws to prevent monopolies, insider trading, you name it.
That's why we have governments empowered to enforce the rule of law on our behalf and, simultaneously, separate the executive, legislative and judicial branches thereof as well ... to keep even them on the straight and narrow —because we recognise that we cannot trust people unequivocally.
We didn't end up with democracies because we realised that the only pragmatic solution was to play the various feudal royal dynasties off against each other. We got them because we tore up the rulebook and said "No, we're playing a different game now and you can like it, lump it or we can chop your heads off, whichever you prefer" — we are, after all, anarchists and, since there were more of us than them, took it upon ourselves to make the unilateral decision that we were going to impose our rules on them.
The problem isn’t the group or the mob or ‘the system’, it’s people — It’s people I can’t stand; they can’t be trusted to behave decently … can’t be trusted not be selfish, venal, evil … can’t be trusted not to abuse everyone else …
I just can't trust any of you not to be either evil, simpletons or both — and, as long as people are corrupt, corruptable, weak, lazy, or just plain stupid ... nothing will change.
So, you've all got to go … sorry; there can be only one and it has to be me — short of nuking the planet from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.
The only solution, therefore, is to elect me to the position of (Benign) Dictator Of The Universe In Perpetuity, so that I may keep a watchful eye on you all and eliminate those who cannot, or will not, be morally re-educated.
Then we just need to find a way of granting me eternal youth, invulnerability to all influence (physical/psychological/spiritual) and the power to step outside Time, so that I can examine each and every one of your cases in detail and pass wise Solomonesque diktat in judgement of you all.
Of course, that’s not an option, really … we can’t step outside Time and, therefore, the best we could hope to achieve would be to make me (Benign) Dictator Of The Planet For Life and I’ll just have to do the best I can by instituting a number of programmes and pogroms.
The long-term solution is to put tiny, explosive implants into everyone's necks and monitor everyone 24x7x52
Then ... when people murder, rape, steal, change lanes without indicating, don't clean up after their dogs, or leave shopping trolleys blocking supermarket aisles whilst they self-centredly wander off … and so forth ... I press the button and their heads are blown clean off their necks
I know ... I know ... it sounds pretty extreme at first, but people will soon learn that being anti-social doesn't pay and will modify their behaviour accordingly — then I won't have to press the button any more, so it won't matter ... and we can all live happily ever after.
Vote for me as Dictator Of The Universe In Perpetuity — you know it makes sense in the long run.
Of course, once you've got rid of all the wrong-thinkers, you're left with supporters who do not see anything wrong with your approach ... who are, themselves, a prime example of wrong-thinking people.
Indeed, I have long been aware of the irony of my position and had to resign myself to the fact that anyone voting for me would be dangerously demented and would, therefore, have to go too — it's just that they'd be at the bottom of the list, rather than the top.
I’m not altogether sure how popular a rallying cry of “Vote for me … and be one of the last to face the firing squad” would be though — it’s something I’m gonna have to work on, I suspect.
And, beyond those concerns, there’s the matter of what to do to preserve my legacy — you know what protégés are like … they get the wrong end of the stick somewhere along the line, think they can improve upon things and invariably wreck it all.
The longer I contemplate the shortlist of candidates to succeed me, the shorter it grows ¹.
And thus, the awful realisation dawns that, in fact, there is no suitable candidate.
So ... short of a miracle ... there's nothing for it, I'm afraid … upon my demise, you've all got to go and, as a result, I'm going to have to rig the planet to self destruct upon my death.
But that’s a trifle extreme, I feel … after all, I’ve no quarrel with any of the other species, just my own; I rather like the butterflies and newts and hedgehogs and (nearly) all the other creatures who share the world with us. In fact, a lot of them have their heads screwed on a lot firmer than any of us …
So, it’s looking increasingly like I’m gonna have to do a Twelve Monkeys and release some species-specific bioagent that won’t harm any of the others but will eliminate the entire human race without exception.
Sorry.
You know it make sense though; I've got a whole planet to save … and if I have to break a few eggs to make that omelette then so be it — I will not be found morally wanting come the day I am called to account .
Not that I expect to be though — I don't expect the remaining species to have a problem with my actions in the interim … and there won’t be anyone else around to complain afterwards either.
Okay, I’m exaggerating … a bit.
I'll be a benign dictator: as long as you all behave properly, play nicely and clean up after yourselves, I won't string you up from lampposts strategically positioned in places wherever one or more people gather together to watch rotting corpses swing in the wind and think to themselves "Fuck! I'm not making that mistake!"
I think that's fair enough, don't you?
In the meantime however, I reckon we should bring back the stocks ⁷ for bankers and CEOs and politicians and bent coppers and butchers and bakers and ‘financial instrument’-makers — everyone I disapprove of basically.
After all this time … surely we should've realised by now that the only way to get people to behave properly is to rule them with an iron fist and despotically stamp out all those who would ride roughshod over others and ... er …
But I digress.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah ... yes, that's it ...
This post was inspired by the observation that I am not quite as ̶l̶̶̶i̶̶̶b̶̶̶e̶̶̶r̶̶̶t̶̶̶a̶̶̶r̶̶̶i̶̶̶a̶̶̶n̶̶̶ d̶̶̶e̶̶̶v̶̶̶e̶̶̶l̶̶̶o̶̶̶p̶̶̶m̶̶̶e̶̶̶n̶̶̶t̶̶̶a̶̶̶l̶̶̶l̶̶̶y̶̶̶ ̶̶̶a̶̶̶r̶̶̶r̶̶̶e̶̶̶s̶̶̶t̶̶̶e̶̶̶d̶̶̶ libertarian as I may first appear.
If you absolutely must reject sanity and …. instead of doing the sensible thing by electing me … repeat the same actions in the expectation of a different outcome … just in case thousands of years of experience might not prove you wrong this time …then may I suggest that Democracy as we know it could do with a bit of a methodological overhaul …
[That article is irregularly updated, so feel free to keep an irregular eye on it and/or even do something that might make your existence marginally less pitiful than it is by contributing to it — you know, just in case it should ever occur to you to stop being a useless eater and, instead, try and make the World an infinitesimally better place for your having been here </just an idea>]
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¹ In fact, they're more Candida than candidates, truth be told ².
² Although I might find a place for Roy in the ̶S̶e̶c̶r̶e̶t̶People’s Police force — I’ll need petty-minded jobsworths going around making sure you all stick to the rules and reporting offenders for … um … re-education ³.
³ Yes, that’s it, re-education … in … erm … rehabilitation centres ⁴.
⁴ Not gulags ⁵.
⁵ There’s absolutely no question of putting offenders in camps, where they are worked to the bone and then, when they’ve nothing left to give, recovering anything salvageable (organs, etc.) from them, melting down their bones to make animal feed/glue/whatever … or getting those who don’t even have that much to contribute to the greater good digging ditches, pushing the one next to them into it and burying them alive before it is their own turn to have the same done to them by the next in line — the thought hadn’t crossed my mind … and never would⁶.
⁶ Especially not the idea of saving the cost of a bullet in the back of the head by simply burying people alive, in a ditch, instead.
⁷ Multistorey ones — the worse your crime, the lower down you go.
