I am much relieved to have found the missing pair of underpants.
I was wearing them.
Yes, yes, I know … but Life is especially demanding right now and even I have my limitations.
What underwear I put on today will determine what underwear is available to me tomorrow … and what underwear I put on tomorrow is, for various reasons, not insignificant as it currently happens. So, being distracted by a plethora of concerns … all of which needed to be resolved by tomorrow … tomorrow was, and still is, very much on my mind — it has been, you might say, the leitmotif of today — and it was, hence, very easy for my mind to wander from one subject to another … and another … and another … in the time it took me to regard my underwear before selecting which of it to wear today — because they all have tomorrow in common.
So, my mind went from underwear to dry-cleaners to barbers to … to … to … and, distracted, I simply put on the pair I had in my hand that I was going to put aside with my shirt, tie, tiepin, cufflinks … ooh, have I got any shoe-polish left?
I do have, as I said, an inordinate number of things clamouring for my attention today … so, cut me some slack, eh — even I must, eventually, suffer from cognitive overload at some point.
If it’s any … ‘consolation’ isn’t the word I’m looking for but my processing capacity is somewhat depleted right now, so it’ll have to do …
I once had a bit of a fetish for sunglasses — I had a pair for every occasion … in every colour imaginable … every frame type imaginable … some thirty pairs or more … so that I always had a pair that would coordinate with whatever look and colours I was wearing on any given occasion.
You know that phenomenon of people looking, panic-stricken, for their glasses, only to find them on their head … well I had a similar moment one day with regard to my sunglasses.
I looked everywhere for them — in my twenty-eight pockets … at least five times each … in the various bags I was carrying … at least eight times each … on the floor for about thirty metres around me … on the train tracks ¹.
I even checked they weren’t on my head.
Finally, my companion turned to me and said “What have you lost?”
“My shades!” I replied, panicked.
He regarded me a moment before calmly intoning “They’re on your face.”
That’s right … the reason I couldn’t find them anywhere was because I was wearing them.
In mitigation, they were clear plastic and, therefore, easy to miss — simply a fashion statement and of no practical value whatsoever — so my vision was unimpaired and I was looking at the World in exactly the same colours, and equally illuminated, as if I weren’t wearing any sunglasses at all.
So, it truly is a relief to find that the underpants haven’t disappeared.
Not, you understand, because they haven’t disappeared … it would be distressing enough had they done so … but because it means the other pair weren’t a mysterious, extra pair that had appeared out of thin air after all — as you may be aware, the mysterious appearance of unaccountable underwear and/or socks might be due to clowns sneaking into our homes whilst we sleep …
No Laughing Matter
Clowns might use washing machines as interdimensional nexus points to travel the Multiverse … creeping around your home…
Anyway … the long and the short of it is that I found the underwear … and that’s a weight off my mind.
Of course the problem is that … having worn them today … I can’t now wear them tomorrow as I planned.
It’s a good job I have another two identical pairs, isn’t it?
¹ That’s a different story altogether — one that … for legal reasons … I probably shouldn’t discuss with anyone other than those involved in that particular escapade ².
² If even them ³.
³ Walls have ears ⁴.
⁴ Look … it’s no crazier an idea than that clowns use washing machines to travel the Multiverse and steal your teaspoons ⁵.
⁵ So, what are you quibbling about? ⁶