If you‘ve ever spent any time exploring Netflix, you’ll understand the scene in Naked Lunch where Lee returns home to find his wife, Joan, committing adultery with their mutual friend, Hank:

“Hank and I were just bored.”

Sure, it’s got Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, Black Mirror, Rick And Morty, (some) South Park, People Just Do Nothing, and (despite being nothing like the originals, the surprisingly good) Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency and, doubtless, some other good odds and sods … but there’s a reason why the phrase ‘Netflix And Chill’ has become a euphemism for

“sex on the threadbare sofa with indistinct patches of discolouration of unclear origin and the dip in the middle with the dodgy spring that digs in you if you sit/lie on it in the wrong way (or in the shared bathroom with the mildewed shower curtain, swamp brown limescaled toilet and unhygienically damp, dubiously stained carpet) whilst everyone else is away for the weekend because, as Millennials in shared accommodation with tissue-thin walls and wobbly/squeaking beds, that’s the only opportunity we get for it”

… namely, all the really good stuff is on Amazon Prime or HBO. and it doesn’t take long before you too are sufficiently bored to resort to sex instead, even though s / he’s on junk and doesn’t come and you’re on bug powder and don’t need to come — anything rather than sit through any more Netflix tedium ¹ … even ill-advised sex with a housemate for whom you feel a range of emotions bordering on indifference, who subsequently transforms into a trainee bunny boiler … or (if they’re female) sits in her room, cutting herself at you in the mirror … with the result that, from the following Tuesday on, your returned housemates either seem oddly cold towards you and (you’d swear) give you evil looks when your back is turned or else to have tempered their previously supercilious disdain with a patina of condescension (or is it contempt?).

But … it does host the first eight series of Red Dwarf; which Aura should’ve watched now (but I’m not holding my breath), SouthpawPoet was meant to have watched long before now (I’d pass out, if I tried) and E. Scott is going to have to watch, if he wants to get the punchline to (nearly) all his favourite posts — just as I’ve not only been writing both SouthpawPoet’s much coveted reviews ² and agony uncle ³ column all along … I’ve been delivering the punchline to the joke, but not the joke itself, all along (so, if he wants to understand it, he’s gonna have to watch Red Dwarf), because (look away, Aura, I’m gonna do a Johnny Bravo impersonation) … basically … I’m not just God’s gift to women but to all Mankind.

So, get to it E. Scott. — I’m not here for my health, you know!

¹ On balance, I think that, instead, I’d rather go investigate whether drowning oneself in the bath is as much of a laugh as I have been led to believe

² Those of you who’ve been paying attention will be aware that I have been reviewing the entire human race during my time here — the tl;dr version of which is NSFW.

³ Thanks to your execrable presence on this wretched planet, every hour of every day is torture for me and I am, therefore, in constant existential agony,

⁴ The ultimate shaggy dog story.



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Where Angels Fear

Where Angels Fear

There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live and too rare to die.