Oh, Canada!
(More Stories About Children … And Ice-cream)
The last couple of years, I’ve been learning about Canada ¹.
It’s been quite enlightening.
I’ve learned that there’s more to it than just Terrance and Phillip, funny French accents, poontang ² and beavers …
The most recent thing I learned is that they have this thing called a ‘chuck wagon’.
It’s a horse-drawn cart, from which you can purchase beer and chili.
At least I think that’s the arrangement — it’s possible that the horse is the chili and the wagon just contains beer and tacos/wraps (I was a bit distracted by the thought of beer that comes to you and wasn’t paying as much attention as I might’ve otherwise done).
That’s such a cool idea though.
In the UK, all we have is …
Oh!
Wait a moment.
That’s right ... we have chip vans.
Mmmmm … chiii…iii…iiips.
With gravy and/or curry sauce.
From a van!
Well, okay, but it’s not a beer and chip van, is it?
You have to get bladdered first an then go to the chip van.
And the problem with that is that … after you’ve thrown up your chips … you can’t get back into the pub, because they won’t let you back in with spew all down your front … and then you’ve got nothing to drink (they won’t even serve you in an offy now, because you stink of vom).
It’s hardly the same as a wagon you can get hammered at, eat a chili and then go straight back to getting pissed again … all without having to leave the premises.
There are also ice-cream vans.
Okay, the alleged ‘ice-cream’ is godawful ⁴ but, apparently, some of them sell drugs … and if that’s not your thing, you can use them to abduct little kids — they play ‘tunes’ from megaphones on top of them …which lures children to them and then you either run up and nab them, or … if you’re the driver … reach through the window and snatch them up ⁵.
But … I dunno …
I mean, sure, they lure packs of kids with their tuneless, ear-bleed volume, racket … which admittedly makes it easier to abduct them ⁶ … but is it really worth it?
It’s all well and good getting that far, but what then?
Now you’ve got to deal with one or more kids who just won’t stop grizzling about the lack of ice-cream and whining that they want their mummies and, oh, GO…OOO…OD … shut UP! WHACK! WHACK! SLAP! SMACK! BANG! THUD! CRACK!
whimper
And then you have to find somewhere to dispose of the corpses — which is inconvenient.
Whereas a beer and drugs van …
The adults come to the window, get drunk and/or drugged up … you nab them, give them a bit of a tap on the head with something ⁷ (it doesn’t take much, they’re incoherent and/or sleepy now) … and they wake up, hours later, at the side of the road, in a place they’ve never been before (with no idea where they are or how they got there,) with a headache, a strange burning sensation between their legs, the start of a nasty rash on their groin … and no memory of anything that happened in the last two-to-twelve hours.
It’s a much better option than an ice-cream van, if you ask me.
I’d settle for a chili and beer wagon though.
If only we had them in the UK … instead of stupid ice-cream vans and puke-in-an-overpriced-polystyrene-punnet-and-then-fall-asleep-in-a-bus-shelter-stinking-of-impatience-and-you vans *sigh*
—
¹ I have my reasons.
² A dish consisting of chips ³, tofu and gravy.
³ That’s (French) fries to the colonial heathens amongst you.
⁴ Not even ice-cream, but whipped chemicals squirted onto a wafer cone with some optional, sticky, coloured chemical(s) drizzled on it for an extra cost that’s more than the thing itself and an optional stick of ‘chocolate’ (for which you need to arrange a second mortgage on your home to cover the extra charge) made from sugar, even more chemicals and carob.
⁵ Roy knows what I’m talking about.
⁶ You might even be able to get two or three, if you offer to take them to see your puppies/kittens — especially, if you tell them you have ice-cream too.
⁷ A chair-leg might be a bit unwieldy (particularly through the window), but a sock full of loose change works just as well and you can excuse it to the police on the grounds that you needed something in which to keep the takings from the day … something you could easily transport them in … but you’d forgotten to bring your money bag(s) ⁸.
⁸ Top Tip: if you want to know what someone does for a living and they’re wearing only one sock, they might be an ice-cream van driver.
