Oh, Canada!
Okay … so … I’m a bit of a ̶b̶a̶d̶ ̶i̶n̶f̶l̶u̶e̶n̶c̶e̶ scamp and have, in the Past, attempted to persuade friends to get arrested for brawling at the circus, to necklace local ne’erdowells with angry feral cats, to torch others with a flamethrower ¹, to lead Canada into battle with the US and annex Chicago and Detroit, if not even more (as much as they can grab, basically) by means of dropping feral cats and polar bears on opposing troops and installations …
It’s not that I want them to get into trouble or for any harm to befall them, it’s just that … well, you know … whatever the final outcome, you gotta admit it’d be hysterically funny if they were to do those things.
The latest scheme is the best yet though.
I’m trying to persuade them of two things:
- to form a performance art/music combo and give themselves childishly NSFW names ²
- to create a dog-and- ̶p̶o̶n̶y̶-cat show based on the ‘Crazy Cat Lady’ from The Simpsons.
That second part could be an excellent start to the proceedings … get them in the public eye, get them a following of the curious (and, possibly, mentally disturbed) … start things rolling (literally).
What I propose they do is get a cart or buggy and, instead of horses, they attach a giant hamster wheel.
The wheel can either be attached at the side (like a Mississippi paddle steamer).
Kinda like this …
Only more like this …
Just not as yellow.
And with a big wheel on the side.
Or to the front at a 90° angle,so that it resembles a giant, bladeless propeller on an old biplane (only the crate is on the ground, not in the air) …. or reverse Florida swampboat thing, like Dennett uses to when she goes to the shops (only backwards)
Kinda like this …
Only without the propeller, obviously.
Or the wings.
More like this …
Only the wheel is at the front of the boat, not the back.
And it’s a (not that yellow) cart.
On the ground, not on the water.
Because there is no water.
(unless you count snow and ice as water)
Because they’re in Canada, not the Everglades.
And the reason there’s no propeller is that it isn’t powered by propeller but by dogs.
Not like a steamer is powered by dogs though, but like a giant hamster wheel with the dogs in harness.
Dogs in harness chasing a cat in harness ahead of them in the wheel.
There’d probably need to be a small cage onboard, containing spare cats to be swapped out, so the cart can keep going — like when ye olde mailcoaches used to swap out the horses at inns along the way, whilst the tired out ones were taken around the back and shot in the head and sold for glue (or whatever it was our ancestors did with knackered horses).
And extra dogs on long leash chains at the rear, for when those in the hamster-wheel needed replacing.
You can see it now, can’t you?
A soapbox cart kinda thing.
With a giant paddle-steamer hamster wheel on the side.
Or on the front like an oversized, bladeless propeller’
Dogs barking.
Cats yowling.
Barrelling down the road.
The driver cracking their whip whenever the cat starts to falter.
And laughing
Laughing
Laughing
As they hurtle by in a ceaseless tsunami of snow thrown up from the road and a maddened animal cacophony.
Shouting drunkenly at people.
Hurling used cats at unsuspecting passers-by
And they wouldn’t need to worry about getting into trouble with the Law or anything — it’s Canada … that sort of thing is legal there.
They wouldn’t even need to worry about losing their job.
Not even if they turned up a week late for Work.
Once every three months.
Because people would be too in awe (and frightened) of them — anyone who drives a vehicle like that commands respect and calls the shots, wherever they go ⁵.
In fact, they wouldn’t need a job.
In no time at all, word would get around and there’d be news crews and interviews … before they knew it, they’d’ve signed up to be the subject of a ‘fly-on-the-wall’ docuseries following them around as they went about their life ⁷.
Next thing you know, off the back of that, they get together with a couple of others, form a performance art/music collective … put on some shows … (in dumpsters) … around the nation … take it abroad.
it’d be a worldwide sellout tour: the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow meets the left hand of Cabaret ⁸.
It can’t fail.
And, if it does … look … it’s not my fault.
I don’t actually have anything to do with it really.
I’m an ideas man. I just dream up flights of fancy. If someone should (albeit with some serious and sustained encouragement) decide to act upon one of those ideas … well, that’s hardly my fault, is it? All I ask is for my cut of the profits, if it turns out to be successful (and you can’t say fairer than that, now can you?). And, if it isn’t then there’s no harm done — so long as it’s a laugh and results in bedlam … I’ll be just as happy.
Seriously … I think this is the best idea yet.
It’s got
- Canadians
- dumpster fires
- feral cats
- psychoterror
- bad taste performance art/music
- the potential to be financially rewarding
What more could anyone want quite frankly?
—
¹ Only a bit, mind … I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt.
² I can’t tell you what as that would not only spoil the surprise but someone else might steal the ideas and do them first … and that’d be no good, would it? But, if you ever get the opportunity to go to a cabaret in a dumpster, take my advice and go ³ … although you probably shouldn’t eat the yellow snow though (just in case).
³ It’ll be completely madcap and (assuming you escape the fire), an unforgettable experience — you shouldn’t miss it for anything (and you should sign the criminal liability indemnity waiver, if offered one ⁴).
⁴ You will be. Just sign it.
⁵ Would you risk firing them and their turning up at your home … after dark … with a posse of fractious cats and angry dogs? Neither would I — they can keep their job ⁶.
⁶ They only come in four times a year anyway and everyone has a week’s notice before they do, giving us all plenty of time in which to get sick — it’s really not a problem.
⁷ If people’ll watch series about ‘mountain men’ chopping wood and ice truckers getting stuck in snow for a week, they’ll sure as hell watch a series about a crazy old coot, or mad old bat, hurtling through the ice and snow in a cart powered by dogs and cats — even I would (even if only out of morbid fascination at how low we as a society can sink in, oh, so many ways).
⁸ Or burlesque as it is sometimes known: https://medium.com/@whereangelsfeartotread/a-travesty-of-transvestites-8c9b6fd786f3
(The best thing about my username is searches: ‘Where angels fear transvestites’ is a great searchstring! ⁹)
⁹ I’m pretty sure Aura or Stephen could pen a story on that theme — not John Tinney though (a story entitled Where Angels Fear Transvestites written by him would be too scary for even me to contemplate ¹⁰).
¹⁰ Ian Rankin goes cross-dressing in Glasgow and murders a load of male prostitutes whilst method acting a character who is a Jack The Ripper copycat with extra psychological issues to work through,
