Where Angels Fear
4 min readNov 1, 2016


Karmic Absolution


It’s a bummer, ain’t it?

There you are … brand new life ahead of you … and the cosmic taxman comes around for his pound of flesh.

Karma! It’s coming! It’s gonna get ya sooner or later!

But stop!

Think for a moment … what if …

What if you could consolidate all your karmic debts and pay them off in this lifetime? Wouldn’t that be fine? You wouldn’t even need to wait for your next lifetime for a fresh start.

Well, now you can — and, what’s more, you can do it from the comfort of your own lunchtime!

For £25, I’ll beat the crap out of you in the carpark with an iron bar until all your bad karma has been visited upon you for this lifetime.

For £50, I’ll get you into credit for the next time by going really overboard and beating you harder/longer than necessary … so you can go and commit a few sins with a clear conscience.

Karmic Absolution in a lunchtime … you know it makes sense.

UPDATE: Karmic Absolution — Alteration In Pricing Structure

I have had to alter my pricing structure.

The new prices are as follows:

Introductory Karmic Consultancy (Are you a sinner?): £20.00

Introductory Karmic Debt Analysis (Are you willing to pay for your sins?): £20.00

Materials (Iron bar): £10.00

Labour (5 mins/year): £50.00

Karmic Debt Consolidation (1 year): From £110.00

Karmic Credit (5 mins/year): £150.00/year of credit

Monkey Dust — Devil Loans

The reasons for this alteration are twofold:

1. Although I should theoretically be earning good karma myself for performing this selfless act on behalf of others ¹ … it may, nevertheless, be prudent to consider the need to hire some exceptionally good karmic lawyers in the Future.

2. Lack of custom forces me make good on the shortfall on my projected turnover by increasing the premiums.

This is not as untenable as it may first appear: the (car) insurance industry does it all the time — those of us who do pay our insurance find that the insurers increase our premiums every year to make up for all the money they aren’t making out of the people who don’t have insurance ² … and as I am offering an insurance policy for the soul I figured I should bring my prices in line with the rest of the industry.

Remember … there is no Karma — but there is me.

¹ It can get quite wearing indeed beating someone with an iron bar for hours, you know … it’s not as easy as it sounds.

² Although I often wonder whether it has occurred to them that the reason people don’t get insured is that, like me, one day they wake up and think to themselves “Of course, if I don’t insure myself either then someone else can pay for me instead … rather than me paying for everyone else as I do now.” ³.

³ I’m still thinking about it.



Where Angels Fear

There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live and too rare to die.