I Lied
You may recall that, recently, I claimed to be a saint in waiting … that, fundamentally, I do not target the innocent and/or helpless — the former are not legitimate targets and the latter not a challenge. ¹
I lied.
I do target Macolytes ³ … who, without a shadow of a doubt, fall into the latter category; probably because they are members of the former in the sense that they are simpletons and, therefore, innocent of all wrong-doing by virtue of having only one brain-cell to share amongst them — not that that should come as a surprise; Apple won’t let you purchase one of their products unless you have an IQ of less than 50 anyway.
Therefore, Mac users are brain-damaged Q.E.D — and I really shouldn’t take the piss.
To be fair, I only pick on Apple/Mac users in preference to MS and Windows/Linux users because Mac-users (as opposed to people who make use of Macs) really are retards and, therefore, even easier game.
And if you’re gonna be a bigot, you gotta make sure you pick on the easiest, softest targets, or you’re letting other bigots down by upping the game as a whole.
But they are such insufferable twats, aren’t they?
And they do jump up and down, shouting “Shoot me … shoot ME!!!”
“Many Mac users I’ve met act like victims of some kind of prejudicial hatred, when in fact they’re the ones who flipping well never stop going on about it.”
The love of Macs for their own sake has always struck me as a form of cargo cultism — I’m still waiting for the ‘Suppository App’ on the iPhone, so that the smug, elitist bastards can shove it up their arses.
Not even the Scientologists are as disturbingly fervent as Macolytes — at least they … along with most religious people … don’t actually believe in anything and don’t have quite the same dangerously deranged, wild-eyed, addle-brained, fanatical tendencies.
The cult of Apple … The Stepford iWives. They call their help desk a ‘Genius Bar’ — that just about defines ‘tossers’ for me.
The thing about Mac users …
… sorry, MAC users … let’s not forget that they don’t know the difference between a Mac and a MAC … (and let’s not even think about the ones who go on and on and on about their ‘Applemac’ or don’t even realise that Macs are manufactured by Apple, not Macintosh)
… is that they are very proud about being a Mac user.
It is like they are desperate to be different and want to proclaim it to the World — “I’ve got a Mac and I’m better than you.”
You’re not making a political statement by using a Mac!
It’s sad that Mac users get their kicks from displaying or promoting the fact that they have a Mac. I suspect that they lead soulless lives, devoid of any real joy — I mean … I was about to finally end my life, but I think I’ll talk about how great I am some more instead … because I’ve purchased something.
“I hate Macs. I have always hated Macs. I hate people who use Macs. I even hate people who don’t use Macs but sometimes wish they did. Macs are glorified Fisher-Price activity centres for adults; computers for scaredy cats too nervous to learn how proper computers work; computers for people who earnestly believe in feng shui.
Macs are for left-handed people and other freaks.
With PCs it’s not the machine it’s the owner that determines the performance i.e. the efficiency, speed and ability of a PC is perfectly mirrored in the ablities of it’s owner.
Macs, however, are like an army of little vitamin overdosed Californians wearing headsets. Always running aimlessly around the electronic office space with no other thought than to elevate to the next unachievable ‘company’ goal and deliver, on time and all fine.
No, they never get ill, yes, they have the right canvas slacks and cotton-button shirts and no, they don’t need to restart with a mid morning coffee and tab — but lord, what you gain in efficiency you loose in soul.
I talk to my PC, I laugh with my PC, I cry with my PC, I listen to my PC, I have faith in my PC and I can depend on my PC. Until I can’t. Then I hate my PC. That’s a relationship.
My Mac is a laptop I use to do things when I’m not at home. In essence it’s a very dependable, value for money, high class prostitute.”
— Charlie Brooker
Mac users go on about how Windows is a poor copy of MacOS.
Well, let’s take a look at the facts, shall we?
Once the killer combination of the GUI, the laser printer and desktop publishing all came together, the Mac became the darling of the print design industry. It was also the cause of millions of badly designed flyers and posters for jumble sales, made by talentless people who mistakenly thought they were creative because they owned a Mac.
I’m sure they’re good if you don’t actually know how to use a computer and have a fetish for all things metrosexual … and fruit. They were, some years ago, better for those working in the pretty crayon departments of many companies but not today — if you need a Mac to be creative, that just says that you really aren’t and never will be.
I hate computers … operating systems … the lot of it. It’s all just crap — Windows, Apple, Ubuntu, blogs, bloggers, websites, apps and every other gadget, widget and enhancement struggling to keep up with the madness of the human mind that is constantly giving birth to abominable constructions such as Faceache, Twatter, MSfuckingN, YafuckingHoo, Twaddle, Goggle and all the rest of the technological crap that we look to to provide some pointless interactive ‘entertainment’ and eternal digital memories of our sad existences, as we tap, click and save our lives … while the world spins slowly into the Sun.
Well, I don’t care what any of you use … I’ve got a bigger iCock and my iShit smells of iRoses.
Does anyone want to guess what computer I’m typing this on?
No?
Good!
But, returning to the point, for a moment, where did all these these things actually come from?
Not Apple but Xerox. Their PARC research centre did early work on GUIs, mice, invented the laser printer and laid the foundation for Apple to, ahem, “borrow” these ideas and unleash a generation of smug but ill-informed Mac owners on the world.
And then there’s the whole ‘They just work’ thing.
What!?!
It’s incredible that this is a selling point.
So it works … So, what?
That’s the least I expect from something I buy — if it doesn’t work I expect a refund!
“If you truly believe you need to pick a mobile phone that “says something” about your personality, don’t bother. You don’t have a personality. A mental illness, maybe — but not a personality.”
— Charlie Brooker.
That’s why I pick on Mac users: they can’t fight back — you need an IQ of over 50 to do that.
However, I do feel that my service to Mac users should not be downplayed.
Remember that the reason they haven’t written their novel yet … the one they were going to write as soon as they got a Mac … isn’t because the Mac is actually that bad a solution, but because they can’t read in the first place, let alone write — although, as it stands, I wouldn’t take it amiss, if they wrote less than they already do.
After all, the fact that I like to remind them that they need to take the training wheels off their bikes eventually, by puncturing the tyres, should not blind you to the fact that I am offering a significant public service — even crocodiles have evolved more than Mac users ⁴ and so they need all the prodding in the right direction they can get!
#crapple #luser
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¹ Here. ²
² I’ll come around and scroll for you as well, shall I?
³ Mac, and other crApple product, lusers.
⁴ And they haven’t significantly changed in over 65 million years!
