Eyes In The Sky Still Aten’t Dead

(I still aten’t)

It’s not me … it’s you!

So, yeah, what with one thing and another, I’ve been pretty absent for a while.

Not that you ingrates noticed, eh E. Scott? ¹

Nah, who am I kidding? The few of you who didn’t top yourselves the moment I stopped posting for more than 24 hours have assuredly been in counseling/therapy all this time … singlehandedly responsible for keeping the market for antidepressants, alcohol and antipsychotics buoyant — oh, yes, you have … don’t lie, you can’t fool me (in my absence, your lives are a void ⁴).

So, I figured I’d better put in an appearance before it was too late and you all became catatonic.

There now … that’s better, isn’t it? Life’s worth living after all!

What?

You want more?

There isn’t any more?

I mean … what more could you need?

Basically, I’m fantastic.

But, being serious for a moment … as I am occasionally wont to do … I’m only really here now because I’ve received a few plaintive communiqués about my absence but then people haven’t responded to the handcrafted, personalised one-to-one replies I put time and effort into ⁷, so, I’ve had to resort to coming here and reassuring the masses that there’s nothing wrong … you’re just unworthy ¹.

And now, I’m gonna have to find a thematically appropriate image to feature above this post too! And, frankly, my heart’s just not in it. Well, think about it … who am I writing this for exactly? That’s right … you. So, you can see my dilemma: if a job’s w̶o̶r̶t̶h̶ ̶d̶o̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶,̶ ̶i̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶w̶o̶r̶t̶h̶ ̶d̶o̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶w̶e̶l̶l̶ not worth doing at all …

I toyed (briefly) with the idea of linking you to a not altogether unentertaining (and not altogether unclever) radio show about the centre of the Universe.

But then thought better of it.

Partly because I might want to rip it off myself in future and it’d be no good letting the cat out of the bag in advance, would it? No … it wouldn’t. But mostly because it’d be wasted on you drooling Morlocks — you aren’t worthy of it.

Suffice to say though that … were it not for the fact that I might want to plagiarise elements of it later … if only you weren’t subhuman lifeforms slightly below tapeworm on the evolutionary scale, I might’ve done so — you might enjoy it (it’s not altogether unentertaining and not altogether unclever).

But I might, you are and I haven’t — so, you won’t.

So, there.

Yes, isn’t Life tragic?

Well … yours is, obviously — duh!

Not mine … my life is to yours as

… well, as my life is to yours, not to put too fine a point on it.

But you take my point: I live in Zone 2 … whilst you eke out your wretched existence in Zone 3.

But, drawing your attention to that fact (rubbing your noses in the utter futility of your presence on this planet) would be unnecessarily unkind, I feel, so, I thought, as said, better of it — least said, soonest mended, after all.

Aaaaaaaaanyhow …

My life is fulfilling and rewarding and I thought you should know (what with your having asked and all that that is). Yours is a chocolate chastity belt: seems like it might be fun, but is ultimately pointless, messy (in more ways than one) and its very provenance seems a bit fishy — but at least there’s a good chance for most of you that you aren’t left-handed (s̶m̶a̶l̶l̶ enormous mercies ⁸ and all that).

That’s it really — I would now say “As you were,” but don’t want to be cruel … so, I’m just gonna peter out into a sort of unfinished coda in the style of the brainless p̶a̶p̶ pop music your sort (the mindless masses) like and, ooh, look — a squirrel!

___
¹ Pearls before Philistines and all that ².

² There are two types of people in the World:

1. Me
2. You losers ³

Oh … and SouthpawPoet, of course — but the less said about her the better, I think we can all agree.

³ Yes … you.

⁴ That’s a link by the way — try clicking it ⁵.

⁵ Siii…iii…iiigh

… I’ll come around and scroll for you too, shall I? ⁶

⁶ Halfwits, the lot of you ⁴.

⁷ I’m wasted on you ingrates, really I am ² — I don’t know … they come, rifle through my stuff, make a mess of things (how do they find me!?)

⁸ Best leave it there, I think — modesty forbids more ⁹.

⁹ Also, I don’t want to distract you ¹⁰ — at least half of you would get hot under the collar.

¹⁰ I’m not just God’s gift to women, you know, but to all of Humanity!