Epiphany Redux — Roller Derby and Faceshots
(No … it’s not what you think)
I’ve had an epiphany.
No, not this one …
Nor even this one …
Instead, it occurs to me that I might find videogames less angrymakingly frustrating if, along with playing them at their most extremely difficult, I didn’t also insist on face-shots ¹.
Okay, so, this wouldn’t resolve the urge to hunt down the developers of games with needless platforming elements and Keyšer Söse ² them, but it might mean I died less frequently … or, at least, that I didn’t have to restart from the last save/checkpoint so frequently, because my insistence on it meant something untoward occurred (even if only that I missed a face-shot) and I had to start over.
Whilst I’m thinking about it, not insisting on one-shot/one-kill would probably reduce the number of do-overs I have to engage in because I missed the final shot before the end of the level … or got too cocky (again) and, having raced through it ten times in succession, thanks to having been too cocky and/or intensely frustrated the nine previous times, contrived to miss a different face-shot halfway through (again *sigh*).
No, there’s no question of my not insisting on a 100% kill ratio — behave yourselves!
Whilst I’m reflecting upon things (like the James Caan Epiphany), I have to admit to no small surprise that roller derby isn’t more popular than it is … if not an Olympic sport.
I mean … it’s got cute, scantily clad women. It’s got high-speed violence. It’s got cute, scantily clad women engaging in high-speed violence.
What more could a man want to spend his time watching? Football? Don’t make me laugh! Nah … football’s more than a bit homoerotic, if you ask me (especially the American variety) … not something heterosexual men have any business preferring to cute, scantily clad women engaged in high-speed violence.
Seriously …
This?
Or this?
And it comes with health benefits too …
In fact, I’ve had another epiphany.
What the human race needs to put its mind to is coming up with a way of making ice warm. That way, there could be cute, scantily clad women engaging in even-higher-speed violence on ice-rinks — don’t tell me that doesn’t make you ̶d̶r̶i̶b̶b̶l̶e̶ drool ³ at the prospect!
Okay, so, I’ve got a bit of a thing about women ⁴ … and violence ⁴ … but I really should be in charge of something nevertheless … if not everything, in fact — I’m full of bright ideas ⁵.
This post was brought to you by the discovery that an old game I dug out has a cheat mode granting all weapons and skills, all fully upgraded, right from the start, yet can still be nearly as frustrating as trying to write/edit a post after whatever changes the fu*ktarded amateurs have made to Medium this time *sigh* ⁶.
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¹ You know … like a head-shot, but in the face specifically rather than simply the head in general.
³ Term changed in the interest of preserving good taste and propriety.
⁴ Look, I’m a heterosexual man … there’d be something wrong with me if I didn’t like Tank Girl!
⁵ Just as an example, when this was first broadcast, some former colleagues got in touch with me to ask if I’d changed career and gone into advertising. I’d’ve been as likely to have conceived of this though 😉
⁶ It’s 01:00 but I’m beyond caring … I’m going to eat ice cream ⁷.
⁷ https://medium.com/@WhereAngelsFearToTread/sibling-celebrations-da7a7b179a96
