A Phorism A Day
I don’t know how commonplace the aphorism re apples and doctors is these days.
But it seems like it ought to see a rise in popularity. These days, you may not want to get too close to a doctor. How many other people have they come into contact with? Did any of them have the Plague? Is the doctor now infected, but (as yet at least) asymptomatic? Might your/their visit spell the end of your life, or of that of a loved one?
It seems no more than prudent to be cautious.
To be fair though, whilst you might think an apple a day would keep anyone away … if you throw it hard enough
… apples are not actually the universal panacea that the saying might lead you to believe — for some things, other methods and approaches are required.
So, heed the following well …
When it comes to southpaws … you can’t have too much rice — rice is their kryptonite.
Sprinkle it around your thresholds and windows … fireplaces … anywhere they might try to get in.
Spread some about the floor — they’ll have to count the grains … and then they won’t be able to get up to any mischief in the meantime.
Keep some bowls of it handy ¹ … it’ll disconcert them and they won’t be able to focus properly (which will slow them down, if they do get in somehow) — never invite them in, but … if they do get in somehow …. if they aren’t already distracted at the sight of them (fruitlessly trying to estimate the number of grains before the bowls get thrown at them, or knocked on the floor), they’ll be worrying about the possibility ².
If you are unfortunate enough to be afflicted with a left-handed family member, prevent them from escaping (and causing social embarrassment ⁴ ) with a healthy sprinkling of it across the threshold of the attic, cellar/basement, or wherever else you lock them up to hide your shame from decent society.
It’s also good practice to put some (a lot) across any windows or other exits (such as doors leading outside). Southpaws are determined and will tear nails and screws from any wood or metal you bar them with, so it’s vital to give them something else to do instead; the mice, rats and cockroaches will eat it though, so make sure there’s a lot of it — if you’re not sure, just keep pouring … empty 20Kg in front of each window/door, if you have to; when it comes to protecting your family (and Society at large) from the left-handed, there’s no such thing as ‘overly cautious’.
Remember: some rice every day, keeps the southpaws at bay!
¹ On the kitchen table, on the coffee table, on the beside cabinet … everywhere you might need it
² Which will give you time to gather your loved ones and make your escape ³.
³ Never try to engage them yourself … leave that to the proper authorities — they’re trained to deal with this kind of situation and will be suitably equipped with tasers, tranquiliser guns and whathaveyou .