Academically, I think snakes are really cool. From afar. Really far.

A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says “Doctor, our uncle’s crazy; he thinks he’s a chicken!”

“Why don’t you turn him in then?” the psychiatrist asks.

“Well, we would, but we need the eggs.”

The above makes about as much sense as living on the side of a volcano.

What do volcanoes do?

They kill people.

Well, all life in the surrounding area actually, but let’s stick with people for now.

Why do people live on the side of volcanoes?

Because they’re stupid.

Darwin Award stupid.

They proffer the excuse that they need the eggs, as it were, by way of “But the soil is so fertile”.

Yeah … that’s because its full of dead people, killed by the volcano on the side of which they were living.

Like I said … stupid.

It doesn’t end there though … people live in all kinds of stupid places.

I mean … if you live in a place where the wildlife will bite, sting, poison, claw, gore or stampede you to death, you have to be pretty stupid not to realise that their presence is Nature’s way of saying “We don’t take kindly to your sort around here” and that you shouldn’t be there.

But people still insist on living in places like Africa, Australia, the USA … the list of places where stupid people choose to ignore the warnings is mindmeltingly long.

So, in the interest of ensuring their stupidity isn’t passed down to future generations, I am going to publish a children’s book, with pictures.

It will be one of those books that can be read from both ends by turning it upside-down and back-to-front.

There will, of course, be more examples than just the above, but you get the idea.

Again, there will be more examples, but you see the principle at work here: if you’re seeing them anywhere other than on TV then … wherever you are … you shouldn’t be there!

You can’t stop stupid people from breeding … it’s what they do.

But you can at least do something to halt the progress of epigenetic Lamarckism.

“I’m beginning to think the best place to live is Antarctica. Sure, on the downside, it’s a bit nippy, but on the upside, no flying snakes, no flying sharks, no flying tarantulas….”

¹ She does seem rather animated by my observations re the hellhole she (and the rest of you ²) inhabit, so I’d hate to disappoint her.

² Yes … you.



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Where Angels Fear

Where Angels Fear


There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live and too rare to die.