Black Books s01e01 — “Which one of you bitches wants to dance?”

“Blah, blah, blah … A load of deleted waffle about the art of the (re)mix/(re)edit/arrangement … Grace Jones’ Slave To The Rhythm [(re)mix] album … Twenty mixes of FPI Project’s Rich In Paradise cover of Lamont Dozier’s Going Back To My Roots … Masterbeat’s Dance To The Beat cover of both … Retro …”

All just an excuse to select the best of sixty-seven mixes of seven tracks ¹ of absolute filth with which to pleasure you aurally.

Oh, alright, it’s also because I’ve been meaning to attempt a sort of Slave To The Rhythm with them for the last ten years or so but, somehow, never got around to it, so it was a good excuse to pull my finger out and do it at long last — you’re welcome.

Note that this stuff isn’t exactly ‘Safe For Work’ as such, so … unless you work in the adult ‘entertainment’ industry … you probably shouldn’t listen to it at Work; your employer’s IT department/admins will have a log of everything you view online and there’s no way you’ll be able to claim that you’re not a pervert when they confront you with the evidence: even without the <ahem> ‘lyrical’ content, it consists of dirty Electro, filthy Dubstep and everything in between … and the kind of person who gets invited to the bluechip CEO’s garden party doesn’t listen to that kind of thing.

You possibly shouldn’t listen to it in front of your kids either … not unless you want some potentially awkward moments with them afterwards ².

So, I suggest you go home, send the kids to their grandparents for the night, hire a 20Kw Opus or Funktion One rig, turn it up so loud every building for at least four streets in all directions of the compass shakes like it’s caught in the middle of a level 12 earthquake and trance out to it for an hour-and-a-half.

And if you aren’t whirling like a dervish by the end of it, if that last track doesn’t make you stomp out a war dance … not prance about wafting your hands in the air like a tree-hugging child of the New Age, but rip your clothes of, paint yourself head to toe in woad and run, screaming, into the street (possibly even whirling a couple of axes, if you have them), ready to take the fight to the entire World (and take no prisoners) … then I have some bad news for you …

… you’re crap in bed.

So … first of all, the originals, so that you know what you’re hearing afterwards.

As everything I link to gets removed from Youtube the second I do so (thanks, Medium), I’m not going to on this occasion — instead, you’ll have to type https://www.youtube.com into your browser’s URL/URI bar and paste each of the following /watch?v= entries onto the end:

Whispers
/watch?v=zwnhBWYtpOY

Cocktail Queen
/watch?v=pm3wht6JVrs

Attention Whore
/watch?v=VUT_vywXHqI

Afterhours
/watch?v=qic9R5Z61OE

Something Inside Me
/watch?v=eEednKtoeuw

Sex Slave
/watch?v=TvzLXLFf2zc

Hey, Baby
/watch?v=fQ_UeBxEQPQ

And now the filthy-dirty remixes …

I’ve done my job as a DJ/selector and whittled them down to just seventeen, to save you having to listen to the fifty other mixes that didn’t make the grade.

Okay, I actually did that bit ten years ago already, when I first bought them, so it’s no skin off my nose now, but that’s not the point … the point is that I’ve spared you the tedium of listening to the same thing over and over, sixty-seven times, trying to make out whether the differences are significant enough to warrant buying a particular mix — trust me … they aren’t.

And, obviously, I’ve selected a running order for them.

Naturally, for copyright reasons, I can’t upload an actual mix for you but, if you get hold of the tracks yourselves, you can mix them in the same order to get an idea of what a proper one would sound like .

The best way to do this would be to:

  1. Buy them/download them and convert them to .wav (or .mp3, if you must)
  2. Timestretch them to 120bpm … or load them into something like Virtual DJ
  3. Pull them into a sequencer/DAW that will let you lay them out on separate channels
  4. Start each one at the time shown as Drop1: X@Y, where X is the time in the current track and Y is the drop point in the incoming track — e.g. Drop1: 05:45@01:30 means that 05:45 into the currently playing track, the incoming track should have been playing for 01:30 (playing, not audible, the drop time is where it should become audible, everything else is gravy).

If you can’t do the above you’ll need to preload them all into tabs in a browser and drop each new track at Y using the Drop2: .@Y value — e.g. Drop2: .@04:15 means drop the next track at 04:15 into the currently playing track.

[UPDATE]

My goodness … has it really been twenty months since I wrote this? (How’s that for spookily coincidental, eh, SouthpawPoet?). How time flies ̶w̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶’̶r̶e̶ ̶h̶a̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶f̶u̶n̶ …how time flies, eh?

I never did get around to tweaking the running order and, tbh, I suspect I’m unlikely to unless I get an offer from Deadmau5, Melleefresh or the record label — in which case I’ll pull my finger out and finish it properly (how do you know I’m a professional? because I’ll do it for the money, not the love of it). So, it is what it is and you’ll just have to accept that it’s a work in progress and, twelve years later, the rule in footnote has (still) not (yet) been adhered to — tracks 13, 14. 15 are just too much of a good thing, as it were, so the running order should really be rejigged, but I’m just not gonna do it right now. And I don’t know what the drop times would be either; I’d actually have to mix the set and make a note of them and … look, I’m not getting paid for this, so …

(Just remember that a real DJ doesn’t simply crossfade the end and start of tracks but seamlessly blends them so that the beats don’t stop and it’s one long track for the entire length of the set — the pitiful crossfade function on whatever app you use on your phone/tablet/iPad/laptop/whatever isn’t going to cut it)

But … recent talk with herself put me in mind of it, so, rather than let it continue languishing in my ‘Stories’ crate, I thought I’d ‘release’ it finally — there you go, Aura, pick the smutty response of your preference.

[/UPDATE]

Anyway, without further ado … ’ave it, you slags!

Something Inside Me (Sage Deep Inside Remix)
/watch?v=ZBg-HyBcv6k
Drop1–00:00@00:00
Drop2 — .@00:00

Attention Whore (Lazy Rich Remix)
/watch?v=rWVKDDT2884

Cocktail Queen (Full Version)
/watch?v=pm3wht6JVrs

Attention Whore (Zoltan Kontes & Jerome Robins Bootylicious Remix)
/watch?v=n59Gw-_9Fu0

Attention Whore (DJ Zya Remix)
/watch?v=RbL7OBOIgPI
(Ooh, that intro’s dirty — looks like the family friendly part of the set’s over then … ‘parental guidance advised’ here we come)

Afterhours (Melleefresh Wet Remix)
/watch?v=cXGl40a9v4ss
(Yep … dirty, dirty bass/lead — over 16s only, I’m afraid)

Hey Baby (Starkillers and Dmitry KO Club Remix)
/watch?v=vimAl1grkrg

Sex Slave (Cyber Sutra Remix)
/watch?v=LqsE3ubA2To

Afterhours (Plastik Funk Remix)
/watch?v=0DpzWgLDf64

Attention Whore (Julez Fontaine & Titus1 Remix)
/watch?v=wi7QhJkMdbc

Hey Baby (Dirtyloud Remix)
/watch?v=FSqkuuP6q40
(Okay, the petting’s over … over 18s only from this point)

Afterhours (SpekrFreks Remix)
/watch?v=KPqKcyJ_U-w

Sex Slave (My Digital Enemy vs Jerome Robins Remix)
/watch?v=ijwlG9VR9LA

Sex Slave (OK Sure Remix)
/watch?v=96-AO8Uhf6Y

Sex Slave (The Lonely Schizo Remix)
/watch?v=5EDdtA1j21E
(That’s just FILTH!!!)

Whispers (Deadmau5 Remix)
/watch?v=zwnhBWYtpOY

Hey Baby (Burufunk’s Dirty Mackin Remix)
/watch?v=7GxK9ZOCLD4

So … now you have some idea of what’s involved when you become a DJ — it isn’t all just impeccable taste, enormous talent, amazing skill and shockingly imaginative groupies with insatiable appetites, you know … there’s a lot of hard slog involved too 😜


¹ Although I’d be prepared to make the case that, in fact, they were just sixty-seven remixes of seven mixes of one track — C.f. my above remarks (that I deleted) about Slave To The Rhythm and Going Back To My Roots/Rich In Paradise/Dance To The Beat.

² Unless you’ve brought them to be uncommonly mature for their age … and/or you’re a disgusting degenerate ³.

³ In which case, whatever … knock yourself out, fill your boots and subject them to it … it’ll be educational — just don’t blame me when Child/Social Services take them into custody because you’re an unfit parent 😉

⁴ If’n yer innerested … the full list is:

Whispers: Original Mix/Deadmau5 Remix

Cocktail Queen: Original Mix

Attention Whore: Original Mix/Lazy Rich Remix/DJ Zya Remix/Julez Fontaine & Titus1 Remix/Zoltan Kontes & Jerome Robins Bootylicious Remix/Kaysh Remix/Phil Chanel Remix/Mr Wonk’s Green Mask Remix

Afterhours: Original Mix/Melleefresh Wet Remix/Plastik Funk Remix/SpekrFreks Remix/Deadmau5 Electro House Remix/Smoothy House Mix/Frederico Scavo Remix/Electro House Mix

Something Inside Me: Original Mix/Sage Deep Inside Remix/Electro Remix/Deadmau5 Electro Remix/Deadmau5 Instrumental Remix

Sex Slave: Original Mix/My Digital Enemy vs Jerome Robins Remix/Cyber Sutra Remix/Ok Sure Remix/The Loneley Schizo Remix/Per Qx Mix/Deadmau5 Make Me Make That Sound Remix/Kolombo Remix/SpekerFreks Remix/Melleefresh Remix/DANK (USA) Remix/Danny Jay & Paul Fiasko Remix/Jesse Voorn Remix/Illikon Remix/Tyler Michaud Remix

Hey, Baby: Original Mix/Starkillers & Dmitry KO Club Remix/Dirtyloud Remix/Burufunk’s Dirty Mackin Remix/Olav Bososki Mix/Noir Remix/Noir’s White Remix/Noir Wet Vocal Tool Remix/Adam K Dub Remix/Adam K Dirty Remix/Adam K Black Remix/Jerome Robins Vocal Remix

⁵ Tempting though it might be to put them in a different order, however, note that this could result in your not only playing the same track three times back to back … (Really? The same vocals for fifteen minutes straight? Are you sure about that? ) … but will inevitably oblige you to do the same with two of the other tracks (with the same result) or else simply alternating two of them for four tracks, then dropping in one of the others and/or simply repeating that same pattern with two others (with pretty much the same effect). Pay careful attention to the tone, mood, sonic quality, energy and vocal samples/lyrics when planning your mix — as I’ve said before, a set does not consist of “a load of bangers I like thrown together with no consideration given to if, never mind how, they work together.”

⁶ Yes, I know … but I’m a professional and know what I‘m doing — so, I’m allowed to.

⁷ A set like this is an exception to the rule of “don’t plan your sets in advance”, so it’s okay on this occasion … but, seriously, don’t plan your sets in advance — sooner rather than later, it will bite you (hard) in the arse, if you do.

⁸ Like an arrow, apparently … but fruit flies, on the other hand.

⁹ Yes, E. Scott Alighieri and kurt gasbarra, that means you 😉

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There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live and too rare to die.

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Where Angels Fear

Where Angels Fear

There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live and too rare to die.

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