Vote For Me

The differences between The Patrician and myself may not be as great as I had hitherto prided myself.


(Because 17.4 million lemmings can’t all be wrong)

Even by my standards … my output on Medium has, of late, been an irregular mixed bag and not terribly substantial either — barely even lightweight nonsense, never mind anything of substance.

There are a variety of reasons for that — not least that I haven’t really had much I particularly wanted to say … nor the élan to say it even if I had.

But something has been on my mind for a while and I’m motivated to say something about it at last.

First a preamble…


(A Beginners’ Guide To Reclaiming Online Privacy)

There were problems that arose with the original post of this, because … at something over forty-one thousand words … every time I made edits and saved it, my account would get suspended whilst under investigation, because it kept getting picked up by Medium’s spam filters and, seemingly, they can’t put a permanent exception on an article, only unblock it until the next time it trips the filters and the whole miserable rigmarole of saying “Oi! Medium! NO!” has to be restarted.

So, I got fed up with correcting typos only…

Better Rosetta?

Well, well, well …

It appears there has been some confusion on the part of some … some of whom appear to be thick as a brick, with the word ‘JOKE’ painted on it, smashed into their face ¹ … re some of my more deadpan satire.

So, in the name of clarity, let me clarify for you, how to discern when I am being serious and when not — hopefully the clarity/clarify combo there makes my intent clearer; after all, I wouldn’t want anyone to be confused by ̶m̶o̶n̶o̶s̶y̶l̶l̶a̶b̶i̶c̶ ̶m̶o̶n̶o̶s̶y̶l̶l̶a̶b̶l̶e̶s̶̶ words ̶c̶o̶n̶t̶a̶i̶n̶i̶n̶g̶ … <sigh> with more than one sound…

Rimsky Korsakov, That’s Weird!

I laughed so hard for so long, I wasn’t sure if I’d soil myself before I died of asphyxiation or after



Wow … sixty-five people stopped following me since I posted this — I didn’t realise I had that many bigots following me in the first place, but good riddance!

Either that or they have (reading) comprehension issues and entirely misinterpreted it. Although I’m at a loss to understand how — “Be woke” = “Don’t be a c*nt” … how difficult can it be to follow?


Nope … I haven’t finally managed to offend 15% of you all in one post of two sentences (not even with a pic of that arsewipe…

Caught Thinking Redux (R.I.P. Edward de Bono)

My parents’ refusal to allow me to be a lazy thinker was painful for us all but, ultimately, I believe, successful. And learning to program at an early age certainly played its part in honing my skills re the separation of concerns. But de Bono was also a significant influence.

Muffin The Mule

Astoundingly, it’s not a criminal offence!

It’s a sick, sad world, I tell you


Antediluvian children’s TV programmes (broadcast long before I was born) aside, however

If this is anything to go by Life must’ve been wrist-slittingly dull for kids in the ‘50s

… in the four short years that it ran (1994 to 1997), The Fast Show ¹

Bah, bah, twinkle, little star

… introduced so many character and catchphrases into the wider public consciousness that even today, nearly a quarter of a century after it ended, some of them are…

Zen And The Art Of Cooking

This applies to the pasta, the special fried rice and the ‘serves eight’ portion of provençale potatoes with extra red peppers.

The Future is uncertain; always eat your dessert first

… but whether there is any dessert to be had or not, you should always eat the Present before it becomes the Past — the Future may never come and then the food will have been wasted, which would be sinful by anyone’s standards ¹ except for those of narcissists and sociopaths (who don’t actually have any standards and don’t, therefore, count).

Eat it!

Eat it all!

Eat it now!

Eat it, eat it, EAT it!


¹ Likewise, drink your beer — there are sober children in India!


I‘d reply to someone on Medium, but you know how it is: before I knew it, I’d be rolling around at their level, wondering how I’d managed to land the blow that knocked me down (again) again ¹.

And I just … really can’t be bothered to even work out what it is that “I just” can’t in relation to that whole scenario; just thinking about it makes me too depressed to have even the get up and go to get up and commit suicide in order to put an end to the mind-numbing, spirit-sapping soul-destroying futility of…

Where Angels Fear

There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live and too rare to die.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store